


Of Something Called Disgust

by prickledheart



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Abstract, Angst, Apocalypse Prevented, Catharsis, Character Study, Emotional Constipation, Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Trauma, Vague Narrative, Vomiting, implied/referenced eating disorder, this doesn't really make sense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-12-18 16:06:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18253235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prickledheart/pseuds/prickledheart
Summary: In which Five is full.





	Of Something Called Disgust

It might go without saying, but the apocalypse is not the most friendly place in the world-

Well, no. Scratch that.

The apocalypse was simultaneously the most and least friendly place in the world, but it was the least forgiving version of itself thus far. A thirteen year old Five finds this the hard way, when he unearths his siblings and upsets his stomach lining.

It is not the first, nor will it be the last time he throws up.

-

Life in the apocalypse is hard, but it’s less grueling than what could have been-

Well, no. Of course it’s not.

At home, he might have had to endure rough training, felt at odds with his ‘Father’ as he had before, but at least it was home. In the cold air of the Academy, he had a bed, a family, and food at abundance- the sweltering heat of the end of the world is not so kind.

Here, he is alone in the world: a population of one, and it hurts.

He is everyone and no one at once.

-

He finds companionship in an unlikely place, and she is beautiful.

End scene.

-

 _Delores,_ is her name, and she is beautiful- she is perfect. 

He, in contrast, is not.

-

(There are no arguments to this. There never is. She pretends not to hear Five when he puts himself down, and he, in turn, pretends she is real.

They don’t acknowledge it.)

-

There is nothing out there to prove that they aren’t the only two people in the crumbling ampitheatre- no one to call him out on talking to a plastic figure, nothing but Delores herself to judge. She does nothing but to provide insight, provide comfort, provide companionship; he’s lucky to have her, ~~to have found her,~~ and he knows it. She asks for so little in return, doesn’t even chide him for giving her the most undesirable parts of their rations, and he loves her, as she does him with all his flaws.

-

Only when he lets himself go does she turn cold. He deserves it, he supposes.

She, in turn, does not.

He knows she deserves better, and he can not give her that.

-

Five wants her to keep her strength up, it’s why he does so much for her, pushes for her survival over his own; her safety is, after all, his number one priority. He only wishes for her health.

Delores, in turn, wishes for him to stop being so hypocritical.

(His stomach turns and flips, but he tries.)

-

(He nurses the bottle and his own wounded feelings-

In short, he doesn’t succeed.)

-

There is no self-preservation left in him- only the motivation to return home keeps him moving.

(It’s not a selfish motive- it’s self-sacrificing, and it hurts.)

He keeps moving, even when his muscles scream at him to stop, even when he falls too far too fast- even when he wastes a day of rations and Delores begs him to take a break, he keeps moving. If he stops, he may not start again.

(Five doesn’t deserve that luxury.)

-

Working as an assassin is not easy, but it’s not because he’s weak-

No, Five is anything but.

(The waiting is what almost kills him.)

-

Logically, nothing can; Five is the best ‘worker’ the Commission has had so far, and even if he wasn’t, he’d would rather end things himself than let someone put him to shame.

It’s better not to think about it, Delores notes. Five is, perhaps, inclined to agree.

-

An ache burns inside of him. If he wasn’t constantly abusing himself, he’d think it’s old age.

(He half wishes it was; he knows it’s not.)

-

When she finds him throwing up in the bathroom stalls, The Handler tells him not to let the guilt get the best of him.

She misunderstands, and Five does not correct her.

-

His equations, as it turns out, could have been worked out better- but time is an object, and even he only has so much. It’s a must to say he’s made a mistake, that Delores herself kept pointing out his flaws, and then Five is off and running; to end (or, rather, to prevent) the apocalypse.

If he had any clue other than a glass eye on how to do it, it’d be easier said than done.

-

Well, no.

If he was alone, or at least, only accompanied by the love of his life, then it’d be an easy task. Having his siblings bumbling and fussing after him is the hard part; they don’t understand, they’re too young, too naive, and they get in his way.

(They save his life, and he doesn’t understand why they put so much care in him. He doesn't need them, doesn't deserve them, and it hurts.)

-

They end the apocalypse, and Five doesn't do it alone- he is almost a burden to them, in the end.

(He considers disappearing: he's served his purpose, there is nothing more.)

-

Delores and him break up- the turmoil inside of him does the same, and he keeps nothing down for days.

-

Five is a force- not of nature, but of grief. 

(It is not for the love he’s lost, his sense of purpose fleeing, or for the life that followed, or rather, started the cycle off in the same fashion.)

A fifty-eight year old assassin, dangerous, destructive, but taking action only towards himself.

(He is lying, naturally, to himself; he can not see it, can not even begin to comprehend. Five refuses entirely, and steels himself away once more.)

-

(He still misses her. He still grieves. He wishes for a second chance, but knows he would without a doubt not change a thing; if his suffering was the cost to save all of humankind and the world as they knew it, then he would take the burden as many times as he had to.)

-

His stomach acid keeps his feelings at bay, and the discomfort in his intestines is welcome as long as he doesn’t have to feel anything else.

It’s welcome, at best, and just slightly inconvenient, at worse.

He’s accustomed to it, in any sense.

-

The continual smell of rot and decay follows him- Five vaguely claims it’s because he’s an assassin, with implications Luther reminds him doesn’t like, but Diego just jokes he needs to shower more, tells him that with the apocalypse being gone and past, he has no choice anymore.

(Klaus, concerned, corners him and asks- no, tells him he knows. Five speaks too early, spills that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about; the smell of vomit lingers, and he knows no shame.)

-

Five can not quite blame them for the intervention, but he can avoid them-

He can't. 

Five can not turn them away, and he doesn't understand why. They are tenacious, and he is tired, oh so tired, and he wishes Delores would come back, though he knows what she would say.

(He is reluctant, untrusting, but he can not fight them anymore; he doesn't even know why he tries.)

-

He is forced to face his issues, to confront what the apocalypse has done to himself, and it is all a lie.

(It’s done nothing to him; the end of the world was standard, it’s half of what he grew up in. Five’s inability to hold down a meal was his own doing; as are his attempts at self-isolation to avoid dredging up his harmful habits. He doesn't need anyone, he argues, and they don't need him- 

It is a too heavy silence that fills the air after he yells at them, yet none chase him when he runs from them- they note his lack of jump, and they do not, can not ask why.)

-

He regrets coming to save them, Five drawls, drunk off of cheap wine-

 _”Well, no,”_ he tells Delores. He throws an arm around her, and then he downs her glass too.

(He just can't say goodbye in any sense.)

-

His family tells him that they’re happy to have him return, remind him through his self deprication, that even if he’s a certified mess (Delores’ narration), they’re lucky he came back to save them.

Five, if anything, is lucky to have them.

(He does not voice this- they don't need to be getting arrogant.)

-

The apocalypse is long past, and he sometimes can’t quite accept it- but he might be able to accept that they’re there for him one day, that each and every one of them truly does care, and that asking for help isn’t a weakness.

-

He drinks from the neck of the bottle and cries.

(They are all somehow wise enough not to point it out; even Delores spares him, and he is grateful.)

-  
Affection, he finds, is what they offer; unconditional, forgiving, familial-

He claims he is disgusted, squirms under their scrutiny, but they catch him in the lie when he doesn’t even try to flee from their comforting hugs and stops jumping from their personal talks.

-

He is full of worms, eating him alive, feasting on his hatred and stale insides; but he wants to be like them. Maybe not as ignorant or annoying or loud, but he could find a place inside of him, eventually: to fill the void and be full- not of hunger pains or intestinal aches, of fatigue or sickness or of alcohol, not even of disgust, no-

To be full of something called love.


End file.
